No, it's not a because I don't have a thought in my head (ha, ha, you're very funny. ;D)
It's because when I start thinking deeply about something, I realize that I don't simply want to send my thoughts into the cosmic void... I want to talk. I NEED TO TALK. I want to share my thoughts, and then my heart longs to hear yours! So...
The Proposal:
If you are bothering to read this, (and bless your soul!) then will you please comment! Because I really value your thoughts on Thoughtful Thursday.
Please, PLEASE, Pretty please! And this can become a helpful discussion chain, instead of "Deep Thoughts by Jack Candy." ;D
So, wonderful reader and commentator (hint, hint,) today's discussion chain is about MARRIAGE.
Matt and I aren't the same people we were when we married - thank heaven - we've grown!
He's even more wonderful than the day I married him, and I sincerely hope that I'm a better woman.
But all that personal growth sometimes means growing apart and then regrowing back together.
I find it SO STRANGE that you marry this person because they are the one human being that you love to be with more than anyone else, and then the responsibilities of building a life together, seem to have you spend less and less time together. Am the only one who's experiencing this irony?
Matt had barely begun college after his mission, which is when we met. He changed his major multiple times, and then worked full time and attended school part-time towards the end of his bachelor's degree, which made the whole process take longer. Add his MBA, and it took 10 years before he wasn't working and going to school at the same time.
And then we get into all of the traveling he does for work... for the last 6 months it's been 4 or more days a week. So it's kind of a process to send him off, manage life without him, and then get reacquainted and reincorporated when he's home for a few days. I jokingly say that I have "Weekend Visitation." And even that's limited because he SERIOUSLY works weekends, but at least he sleeps next to me. Matt's been really insistent that we have a date night every week - good man! And that's been great and hugely helpful!
Still the question on my mind today is...
What do YOU do to keep your marriage strong and connected when time together and even time to talk is so limited?
I don't want anyone to misconstrue this post and think that my marriage is "in trouble," this is just a challenge that's on my mind, and I'd really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks!
This is a great question. We just finished having five months together almost all 24/7 when Scott lost his job and we didn't have anything to talk about because we were with each other so much! But now we are in a totally different situation where he is working from 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. studies from 3-6 and goes to school from 6-10 p.m. (this is three days a week and the rest of the days we see him on the weekend and after work) but I find I really miss him! The first thing I've noticed is I really have to make an effort to connect with Scott instead of just watching T.V., doing our own separate things. After all that work all week, we are both tired and we have to just make time for each other. I'm not saying don't have the down time because that is important too but sometimes I am too tempted to just vegitate instead of talking with my hubby. We have made time to play card games when the kids are in bed, talk about the day, go on dates when we can and go to the temple. Thanks for a great post!
ReplyDeleteOk..I am so mad. I just spent like 10 minutes writing a huge long comment.
ReplyDeleteAnd it said it couldn't post it (I am guessing because it was so long :))
Bummer!
I maxed out my time on the computer, but I will come back during nap time and try to rewrite all of my thoughts!
Just wanted you to know that I am going to do it!!
Rach
Well, I never really got back to writing down all my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI just have to say that over this weekend, I have had the chance to talk about this very subject with a few friends. It seems like life just hits you pretty hard sometimes...especially right in this time of life when you have young kids, so the mom is feeling maxed out and tired and needs help. And the dad is working hard to go far in his career and works long hours and needs to get home and just relax. And it is sometimes hard to understand the other spouse and you only want what is best and easiest for yourself.
Anyway...first and foremost, I think that what has helped Scott and I the very most is to TRY to put the other person's needs first. And try to understand the other person. Sometimes, when Scott gets home from work, all I want to do is pass over the children and lock myself in a room and not come out until after bedtime. And it seems fair to me because I have had to deal with them all day long. But, I have forgotten to take into consideration what he needs and wants when he gets home from work. And it goes the other way too...Scott wants to sometimes come home and just sit and relax because he has been working all day long and doesn't get a chance to just write emails or watch tv. But then he realizes that I have also been working hard and I need some help too. So many times it seems like so much marital discord comes from each person really only thinking about themselves and not about the other.
I say bag it all, move to San diego together. Camp on the beach and open a fish taco shack to teach your kids the value of work. JK I really needed to read this today though because with Rick back in school I am just getting into this. I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you that he doesn't study on Sundays and that is my favorite day of the week now, and we try and have a date night (even netflix and popcorn sometimes)at least one weekend night. This seems to help with my sanity which overall helps with the mood of the household.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great question! I remember having similar feelings as a young mom...and the funny thing is, I am still trying to figure out how to keep my marriage strong and connected. Circumstances change, but the need remains the same.
ReplyDeleteI was just called to teach the Marriage & Family Relations Sunday School class. The lesson for next week is: 'Nurturing Love & Friendship in Marriage.' I'm very interested in everyone's ideas and I will share a few of my own.
It's great when you can find something that you both already DO or WANT to do, and then do it at the same time. That way it doesn't require any extra time--kind of like 'multi-tasking'. For example:
* Jerry & I started walking together in the mornings 15+ years ago--great for the body & the relationship (most of the time).
* Eat dinner together as a family (NO TV allowed...anything REALLY important can be recorded and watched later). Of course this doesn't always work when you are married to a road warrior, but the rest of the family can still eat together.
* Turn off the TV, computer & other STUFF...this is one of my fantasies...
* TALK TALK TALK. I wish that I would have been as open in sharing my innermost feelings with Jerry 30 years ago as I do today. Think of all the discussions we could have had.
* Let the little kid come out. Occasionally just 'let your hair down'--Turn on some dancing music and get out the wire-whip microphone, play handball, race to the...., play paper-rock-scissors for the 'undesirable jobs', be unpredictable...
* Avoid flirtations of any kind...harmless teasing, being coy, having lunch alone with secretary, having a little fun with someone of the opposite sex...Abstain from all appearance of evil. (From the Family Relations class)
* Men really are different than women. I'm still trying to come to terms with this. I really do have to say exactly what's bothering me, in WORDS. Banging pots and slamming doors doesn't translate into 'I'm really frustrated about something.' When they DO catch on to the fact that something is amiss and ask, "What's wrong?" TELL THEM. Don't say, 'Nothing'--This doesn't work. I tried it for many years.
* Say or do 3 positive things for every one 'withdrawal.' A compliment, a smile, a kind word, a kiss, a thank-you (actually LOTS of thank-yous), a note... This is HARD WORK!
Most anything that's worthwhile requires us to do hard things.