From the mind of Max

Okay, anyone who has a conversation with Max knows that he's hilarious. These are just a few of the conversations we've had this week...

SAFE!
Several of Max's friends have been asking to play with him outside of school, but since I don't know their families, I told him that he can't go anywhere unless I know that the parents and the home are safe. Well, apparently Max told his friends about this rule. So, when I picked him up from school on Tuesday he jumped into the van and announced, "MOM, Jenna told me to tell you that her Mom is SAFE!" and then he collapsed into his seat, like "That just takes care of the whole problem!" 

WORKIN' MAN
I let Jared have a taste of 24 oz strawberry banana shake as we drove in the car. I thought, "This shake is really thick, and the lid and straw are really well sealed, I think he'll be fine for a minute." WRONG!!!!
He THREW the shake at the window of the van. It was everywhere!!! The window seam, the carpet, on his seat, under the seat, on the running board and the into the wheel well where the door rolls open and shut.
NIGHTMARE MESS!!!
Max was my awesome helper. He fetched paper towels, ran Jared's clothes to the laundry and used his little arm to clean in the tight spaces.
I  LOVE HIM!
We finish and I say, "Max, go wash your hands now, okay."
Max: "Wash my hands??? Oh yah, 'cuz I'm feelin' a LOT of dirty work!"

YES, SENSAI!
Max:     Mom, why don't you let us take Karate lessons?
Me:      Well, we looked into it, but in order for all four kids to take lessons, it would cost $400 a month and that's just to expensive with all the other things you guys participate in.
(The wheels in his brain turn for approximately 2 seconds...)
Max:    Hmm.... Well, what if just ONE boy took lessons and then taught everyone else?
Me:      And were you thinking that boy would be YOUUU?
Max:    Yah.... Then I could go to Karate, and I would come home and teach my brothers everything! I'd be a.... Karate teacher!
(and then in 2 seconds more it was as though his idea became a reality)
Max:  (Nodding Matter-of-factly) Yah. I'm a karate teacher.

Clever Max Quotes

Max is four years old - not even four and a half. However, he's so darn precocious I have to remind myself that he's still very young. Anyway, he's been cracking me up this week with funny comments. Here are a few:

Max: Guess what, Mom?
Me: What?
Max: I really really really really really really GOOGLE love you!
Me: Wow, that's a lot of love! I google love you right back.
*I swear only Matt would teach his 4 year old what a google is. (a number with 100 zeroes after it.) Anyhoo...

Max: Wow, Mom you're driving really fast!
Me: Actually, I'm not up to the speed limit yet.
Max: Oh, what if you drove a MILLION! (like "We should definitely try that!" ...then sighs) But that would totally be breaking the speed limit.

Max: Mom, I got to sit by Savannah today.
Me: That's great. Max, what do you like about Savannah... what makes her special?
Max: She knows who I really am.
Me: Wow! and who is that?
Max: I'll whisper it to you... I'm a vampire.
Me: (laughing) Well what do you like to do together.
Max: We play house.
Me: Oh, are you the Dad and Savannah's the mom.
Max: No, I'm the kid and Savannah's likes to be the dog.

Max: Mom, I'm a GENIUS at finding fings (things) and losing fings!"
Me: Yes Max, YOU are definitely a genius.

Me: Max, it's time to clean your room.
Max: (tapping his fingers to his lips thoughtfully) Perhaaaaps....?

Me: "Okay guys, what do you want for breakfast? Cereal? ... Eggs & toast?"
Max: (taking a pose on my bed like the statue of liberty) "JUSTICE FOR ALL!"
***I'm laughing and thinking, "that wasn't on the menu, but why don't I through in world peace for lunch."

Oh Max, I love you! Thanks for making my days a joy!

Kids say the darndest things...

When I was growing up, my Mom would sometimes call a child or an object by the wrong name and then laugh it off and say, "I got my Mords Wixed up!" I always loved that joke. We get our words mixed up a lot around here. These are a few from the past week:

The Scene: Tuesday morning and I just got everyone except Max and Jared out the door to school.

Max: Mom, can I watch that new cartoon?
Me: No bud, we have some things we need to do and the show isn't on right now.
Max: But Mom! I really want to watch it!
Me: I understand that, but that cartoon is only on TV on Saturday morning.
Max: (VERY serious now) But mom, it's a-poh-priate.
Me: (chuckling) Yes... the cartoon is appropriate, but that still doesn't change the day of the week.

The Scene: We're watching a DVD and the leading couple meet at a beautiful little French Cathedral to speak with the priest before their wedding.

Zach sees the building a exclaims, "Oh! Its a Cathadelic church!"
Me: I think you mean Catholic, Zach
Zach: That's what I said, "Catholodelic"
Matt: No, Zach, just Cath-o-lic
Zach: Oh!

The Scene: A quiet moment with Zach where I can ask him about how he's adjusting to his new school.

Me: So Zach, have you been getting to know some more people at school? Do you feel like you're making new friends?
Zach: Yea, actually I have.
Me: Well that's great! What are their names.
Zach: Hmmm... I don't really know... but I know they're Republicans!
*I really had to laugh over that one. Where does he get this stuff? 

The Scene: Max is waiting on the porch for me to come unlock the door after his soccer game.

Max: Mom? (He's stops and is trying to think of the right word) Can I push this ??? Ding-dong thing?

The Scene: Max had been rebelling at the prospect of making his bed, but now he's on task, and I notice he's doing a very nice job.

Me: Max your bed is really looking great.
Gabe: (peeks over the top bunk) Wow, Max! It really does look great.
Max: Yah, Gabe. I have Skeells! I have some REALLY good SKEELLS!
Gabe: Max, you're funny
Max: That means I'm her-larious. Funny is herlarious and herlarious is funny.

I have to agree with Max. I think my kids are HER-LARIOUS!

Aliens and young love...

The cooling weather must be imitating spring because love is in the air, and Cupid's arrow is aimed at Max (age 4)...

I'm driving Max to his soccer game and he's telling me about his friends at school.

Max: Mom, I've got two best friends... no THREE best friends.
Me: That's great, what are their names. (I'm thinking Tanner and Jon and who else?)
Max: Savannah... Tanner... and Jon
Me: Savannah, huh? (Who's Savannah? And she even got top billing!)
Max: (starts giggling) Mom, I've got to tell you something... I'm in loooove with Savannah.
Me: What? Why do you say you're in love with Savannah?
Max: Because she kissed me.
Me: (shocked laugh) What? Max you're too young to be kissing girls
Max: Well, Jaden told her to do it so she kissed me on the lips, and I kissed her on the cheek.
Me: Does your teacher know about this?
Max: No!
Me: Well what does Savannah look like?
Max: hmm... She has blackish-purplish hair
Me: Are you sure about that? That's a pretty unusual hair color.
(and I haven't seen any punked-out preschoolers scamper out of the school.)
Me: Well, what color are her eyes?
Max: Hmmm? I don't know. I think they're red
Me: Are we talking about a little girl or an alien?
Max: (laughing) NO, she's not an alien! She's just a girl!
Me: Well all right. You'll have to let me meet her when I take you to preschool next time, okay?
Max: Okay, Mom
Me: And Max... friends are great, but I don't think there should be any kissing at preschool.
Max: Okay Mom. If Jaden tells her to kiss me, I'll just say,
"We're friends, but we don't have to kiss."
Me: That's a good plan. I really like that plan!

*Do you think that plan will work when he's 16? Hmm...?

Musical Max

For those who don't know this, Max is a singer.
He gives flare to everything he does by making his own theme music. I took this impromptu video this week while he had "Mulan" on the brain.
The picture is horrible but the singer's adorable!

The LONE Ranger

The scene: I'm fixing lunch and Maximus rides into the kitchen to make an announcement.

Max: Mom, I'm NEVER going on dates!

Me: Well, it will be a long time before your old enough to date so that's fine; but out of curiosity, what makes you say that?

Max: Because I do NOT want to kiss girls!

When I stop laughing...

Me: Well, just so you know. You don't HAVE to kiss the girl on your date. The purpose of a date is to get to know each other and have some fun together. You don't HAVE to kiss.

Max: Fffhhewff! That was a close one, mom!

Me: Yup! You dodged that bullet! But I think you'll probably want to go on date's one day, and you might even change your mind about kissing.

Max: Maaaayyybeee, but now...(with that Max mischievous smile) I'm just going to give kisses to my Sweet Mommy.

And the Lone Ranger rides over to give me a kiss and ride off into the sunset (or the living room...)

Ooooohhh! That boys just charms me to pieces! Heaven help the girl(s) he eventually does want to kiss because they are going to be in serious danger of falling for his charms!

Potty Mouth (cover your ears... or eyes?)

I should probably begin my blogging life with something wholesome like our celebration of Max's birthday, but I just can't resist this experience with Zach - it's the stuff that my hilarious life (and now blog) are made of...

The Scene: All the kids and I are in the van. We've just picked up Lauren and Zach from piano lessons and it's lunch time. (The fridge has dwindled down to condiments and frozen meat, but I have a grocery list in my purse, and I just need to feed the troops before hauling ALL FIVE kids to the store.)

ME: So, what do you guys want for lunch? Where should we go?
Zach: Pizza! (*he's a pizza junky)
ME: We just had pizza for dinner, bud.
Zach: Okay, Wendy's
Lauren: Let's go to Sonic
Gabe: Yah! Sonic!
Max: (begins chanting) Sonic! Sonic! Sonic! Sonic!
Gabe: (joins the chant) Sonic! Sonic!...
Lauren: (joins) Sonic! Sonic...

ME: Sorry, Zach, it looks like we're going to Sonic.
Zach: (Matter-of-factly) D..mm.
**Zach is sitting in the farthest corner of the van. I can barely hear over the chanting, but my maternal instincts tell me I should get some clarification.

ME: (very calmly) Zach, what was that you just said?
Zach: (casually hollers) damn.
*The chanting is really loud, but I think my son just swore - I must have heard him wrong.

ME: Stop the chanting, please! Zach... what did you just say?
*The chanting begins to dwindle.
Zach: (yells for my benefit) Daaaammmn!

Okay I definitely heard it that time - clearly, he doesn't know what he just said.

ME: Ok, Zach, that's a swear word, did you know that?
Zach: (sincerely) Oh, I'm sorry mom, I'm just not very good at this swearing thing.

I'm trying not to bust up laughing. What do you say to that? "It's okay, son, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it?" ... Focus, Candace

ME: Zach, we don't want to say that word, all right.
Zach: Ok, Mom
Gabe: What did he say?!
ME: He just said a swear word, but he didn't mean to
Gabe: Yah, but what did he say? I didn't hear it?!
Max: I didn't hear it either!
Gabe: What was the word?!!! I just don't know what the swear words ARE!

I realize I'm in this bizarre predicament where I have to TEACH my kids the swear word so they can NOT say it in the future.

ME: Ok kids, the word is "Damn"
Gabe: What?
ME: "Damn"
Lauren: He said "damn," Gabe
ME: (oh great! now Lauren is swearing) Ok, let's just stop saying the word now.
Max: But what was the word?!
Me: The word was "Damn"
Gabe: (chastens me with his perfect law-enforcement tone) Mom! Stop saying the word - you keep sweeaaaring!
ME: ALL RIGHT! We're are all done saying the word! Let's just get some lunch.

I'm happy to report that no one has said "THE WORD" since that time. Whew! Who says kids don't learn anything over the summer - we have very crucial vocabulary lessons.